Sunday, July 26, 2009

Pop Stars - Round 1

So my birthday week has finally come to an end. All of the celebrating is done. I finished it with a weekend in Savannah, Georgia. It was lovely. Lot's of walking around and looking at beautiful buildings and trees. Great food and great company ( I was with the super-duper awesome Kelly Sugar). The highlights of the trip were me getting us lost walking around the squares about a dozen times, a cab ride back to to our hotel room where the driver engaged the warp engine, an awesome plate of seafood pasta from an amazingly beautiful bar called Isaac's, my bank going out of business thus leaving me with only the cash I had in my pocket (good thing Coffee Cake brings in about $2000 a day and my pockets were fat from that), and best of all was on the morning we were leaving to head back to Macon, I stood in the Atlantic Ocean and rapped old school rap songs as the tide came in. The crashing of the waves made a perfect background instrumental. And though while I was away I had a lot of fun, I missed not being connected with Coffee Cake! So let's get down to the business of this week's tournament.

So we go from the gods of last week's tournament to people who sometimes think they're gods or get treated like gods. Pop stars. I include a bit of everyone in this one. There are the seasoned veterans as well as the ones that make me say, "Who is that?" It's up to the fans to decide who will take the Coffee Cake crown.

#1s vs #8s
We know all of the #1s. I don't expect them to have any problems moving on to round 2. But let's take a look at the #8s. William Hung, this guy got on TV and made a complete fool of himself but his performance went on to become so talked about that he was thrown into the spotlight anyway. You had to love this guy for his gumption and for making us laugh. Well done William. Susan Boyle showed the world what it means to have true vocal talent, turning the world on its ear in terms of pop star search shows. Go 'head girl. Keep dreaming the dream. Boy George...What are you doing man? I loved the music of Culture Club and I know I can't quite get the flamboyancy of recent times, but you're fresh out of jail and can start all over. Please play it cool and get back to making great music!! Now Amy Winehouse. Nothing would have done my heart better than to have had you ranked as at least a #3 seed in this week's tourny but things have not worked out in such a way. Come on Amy. Pull it together. I love to hear you sing. Don't let me down.
#2 vs #7
The Jonas Brothers vs Carrie Underwood -
About 3 years ago Amanda and I were walking around the Georgia National Fair and every pre-teen girl there had on a shirt that said, "I love the Jonas Brothers". We were baffled. Amanda finally walked up to one of the girls and asked who the Jonas Brothers were and the girl rolled her eyes in disgust and walked off. We, at that point, officially decided that we were old and out of touch. Our best guess was that they must have been some sort of Christian pop/rock group or something. 3 years later I'm just as baffled by them. I swear to god every woman in America is talking about them. Even my mom has made mention to me of them. My mom is a 70 year old black woman! What the hell does she know about the Jonas Brothers? I don't know a damn thing about Carrie Underwood other than southern white guys think she's hot. Is her music any good? You tell me. But from this video I can see how I could have been tricked into hanging out with her and thinking she was cool. She don't take no shit and she shoots whiskey. Sounds like my type of hanging partner. Then she go and smash up some cat's truck? Hell no! I'm out. You trying to get me arrested? I didn't know your ass was crazy!!! My vote goes to The Jonas Brothers.

Beyonce vs Pink - Beyonce is everywhere. You can't escape her. A couple of weeks ago I saw my friend Ben Potter doing the Upgrade dance. It caught me so off guard I think I just stood there with a blank look on my face. Plus there is no escaping, the girl is hot. Pink, is not your average pop star. I once read in Teen Magazine (Yeah I read it. Don't you? Geez.) how she pretty much enjoys staying home with her husband during her down time. I admire that. And I know my friend Craig Hamilton loves her music. So she is touching people with her talent and that's what counts. Well, I'd like for Beyonce to touch me...where it counts. My vote goes for Beyonce.

Elton John vs Fergie - Elton John is the man. I mean, come on. He was on The Muppet Show. How many pop stars on this list have been on The Muppet Show? One. One of the Muppets was even partially designed in his likeness. You know you've made it big when other parts of pop culture start to imitate you and ask you to take part in what's going on. Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. You're like the heroin of pop stars. Somebody's doing it cuz people are still selling it, but I don't know anyone who admits to it. I don't know one person who will say, "Oh yeah, I love me some Fergie," but when a Fergie song drops in the club all the sorority girls cold bum-rush the dance floor. All of a sudden they all got rhythm. My vote goes to Elton John.

Prince vs Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen - Prince can play every instrument but horns. He has produced dozens of pop stars (Carmen Electra, Sheena Easton, Vanity, The Time, Shelia E, Appolonia, Chaka Khan, George Clinton). He fronted an instrumental Jazz band. He still does sell out shows all over the world. And more than anything else, he's the only man I know that can wear stiletto heels and we think nothing of it. Seems as natural as my afro. Man, I remember when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were turning 18, every white guy around me was talking about it like they had been waiting all their lives to drool over them without seeming like a pervert. Heck, I hadn't thought a thing about them since Full House. I pulled up a picture of them and all I could think was that they still looked like kids. Still to this day I think they look like kids. Now that's a talent just about all of us wouldn't mind having! I mean yeah, they have done TV, movies, music, become well known in the world of fashion, and get recognized for all the work they do in the industry but that whole staying young forever thing, that's what they need to be bottling and selling. My vote is for Prince.

#3s vs #6s
T-Pain vs Usher -
There was a point about a year and a half ago that I swear EVERY song that came out had T-Pain on it. It wouldn't have surprised me if someone decided to use him in a new recording of a Beethoven song. My favorite T-Pain song? I'm On A Boat. Usher has been a solid performer ever since he his first album was released. He's a good singer, a good dancer and gets his fair share of photos in men's fashion magazines. You don't hear as much from him now a days but I'm hoping he'll drop something new that will turn pop music over for a new look. My favorite Usher song? You Don't Have To Call. My vote goes to Usher.

David Bowie vs Mariah Carey - Bowie may be one of the first pop stars in the sense that we think of pop stars today. You turned to bowie to see what he was going to do next. How he was going to be dressed and to listen to his music. For some reason women love him in The Labyrinth. From a music geek's perspective, he has worked with so many great artists, Lou Reed, Luther Vandross, Iggy Pop, Queen, the list goes on. And he married a super model. Now that my friends is a pop star I can admire. I'll go head and admit it. When Mariah Carey's first album dropped, I was a senior in High School and had a huge crush on her. That was one of my last superstar crushes. I still give her credit. She's a good looking woman. She has an awesome voice. And she's worked with Ol' Dirty Bastard. What more can you ask for from your pop stars? Bowie gets my vote.

Kanye West vs Missy Elliot - Wow. It sucks that these two met in the first round. Kanye West can do no wrong. His 808 and Heartbreaks album was a concept album that still went over well in today's fickle world of pop music. He produces for every body who's anybody. He's always in magazines and on TV. Hell South Park did a whole episode that revolved around him. Now that's star power. Everyone loves Missy Elliot. How can you not? She's so cute and her music is fun! She's like having a really entertaining little sister. I love Missy's music and creative videos. I always have. My vote goes with Missy.

Lil Wayne vs Kelly Clarkson - A milli a milli a milli. Why are people so obsessed with Lil Wayne? I can't lie, I like a good Weezy song as much as the next cat but he has jumped into the stratosphere. EVERYONE listens to this guy. He is definitely a tune in to see what he's going to do next type of star. We all know he's crazy and that's why we love him. Now, let me tell you all something. I have never seen an episode of American Idol. I've seen clips of stuff that people tell me I should check out but never watched it on TV. And I completely missed the first season. Didn't see anything. Didn't know who won. Nothing. I was really busy. I was DJing and working and just didn't see it or hear about it. It was a crazy year for me. Well years after the first one was over I have this really confusing dream. I believe I was talking to Amanda when I asked her, "Hey, is there someone named Kelly Clarkson?" I thought she was going to tell me she was a girl who hung out around the bars in Macon. Someone we knew. she told me she was the first winner of American Idol. I said, "Oh. Well I had a dream last night that Newton Collier was her uncle." Now that was ridiculous. Newton Collier lives here in Macon and he was a horn player for Otis Redding and Same and Dave. That's my only experience with Kelly Clarkson so my vote goes to Lil Wayne.

#4s vs #5s
Brittany Spears vs Lady GaGa -
Brittany Spears has been having a rough time lately. A crazy marriage. Kids. Controversy. What looked like she was going crazy. I love it all. That's entertainment. Just keep making music and I'll turn in to see what happens next. The instant the music stops and it's just all talk about you acting silly, I won't even look in your direction. Don't let me down Brittany. Lady GaGa. Dresses like a student of Grace Jones and I admire that cuz I love Grace Jones. Her music is definitely making people gyrate and she has a mysterious side that may well work out in her favor in the future. But for right now my vote goes to Brittany.

Bono vs Paris Hilton - You can't deny the power of Bono. The guy has put out so many hit albums and singles. He's always out helping the world be a better place for everyone. You've got to love that. Now Paris Hilton, I've never seen anyone be so successful at being a pop star. For the longest I didn't even know why she was a pop star. I knew her name was Hilton but I didn't understand why that made her popular. I mean hell my name is Riddle. My family created the joke that makes you think. One day I am going to inherit that fortune and still my notoriety didn't come until I started DJing. Her's came before her album was released. Needless to say, I was a bit jealous. I'm going to let my jealousy decide this debate and give my vote to Bono.

Rihanna vs Gwen Stefani - I am not a huge fan of pop music. I like Jazz, Disco and old Soul. But every now and then a pop song comes out that I absolutely love and Rihanna's "Umbrella" was one of those songs for me. For a moment my faith in modern music had been restored. I began to think there was hope for new artists. Rihanna, I'm still pulling for you girl. Use all that madness that has been in the news about you to produce great music!! Gwen Stefani is about the least likely a pop star there ever was. She was in No Doubt which got widely popular doing music that was very unlike everything else out at that time. Then when the group split up, it seemed like her fan base began to grow exponentially and all types of artists wanted to work with her. Then Hollaback Girl dropped and Jesus Christ talk about a song being everywhere. My vote goes to Rihanna.

Taylor Swift vs Janet Jackson - Pop Country is the hot thing right now and Taylor Swift seems to have a double fist full of it. Her songs are everywhere. Hell T-Pain is even in one of her songs. Now a days that's just a recipe for all types of success. Janet Jackson was Penny on Good Times. What more do I have to say? My vote goes to Janet Jackson.

Get ya vote on.
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  1. Poor Susan Boyle. Prolly could technically outsing everyone on the list without one vote. Imma go back and change my vote, just so she gets one.

    This round is going about as expected, but Taylor Swift over Janet? I listened to Janet the other day for the first time in a few years and it was like, I'm glad I got this whole CD! I listened to that song Romeo and Juliet by Taylor Swift and predict that her fame lasts about another year before some other synthesized voice takes over. Just keep that in mind!

    Amy Winehouse over Justin Timberlake??? You know you secretly wanted to say you're the one that brought sexy back. Don't be mad 'cause he said it first!

    I know we are tired of Michael, but Hung should be this close, people!!!

    Predictions for Round 2 (if nothing drastic happens voting wise):

    Michael Jackson v. Usher - If Michael is just squeeking past William Hung, how will he do against someone who is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY better? I'm still pulling for Jackson to make it to the final round and lose to Bowie.

    Lady GaGa v. Carrie Underwood - I don't care, but if someone were doing a count - Carrie Underwood.

    Elvis v. David Bowie - David Bowie is a space alien. Elvis is not dead but pretending to be. Elvis is a punk. David Bowie all the way!

    Bono v. Pink - In the first round match-up, you picked Bono because you HATE Paris Hilton. But in this round, you suddenly remember that Bono is kind of a prick, although a well meaning one and though you kind of remember how much you love Joshua Tree, you also think Pink is a better pop star but will still pick Bono. So do I.

    Madonna v. Missy - You remember the 80s and all you wanted to wear were those lace gloves and have ringlets (blonde or not) and actually look like a young ingenue like Madonna did in Desperately Seeking Susan. You also remember the late 90s-2000s when you would actually want to dance every time a Missy song came on. But you still know all the words to Lucky Star (because it wasn't that hard). But Missy lost all that weight and still could rock it. But you still want to get your copy of Madonna's book signed and you want a fake British accent too! Damn! Why is this so hard???? Madonna it is.

    Gwen Stefani v. Elton John - Hollaback Girl v. Benny and the Jets... Elton John it is!

    Taylor Swift v. Prince - Y'all know that Prince is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY prettier than Taylor Swift and as Roger mentioned, looks fantastic in heels. Prince, all the way!

  2. LMAO cuz your breakdown of Bono vs Pink and Madonna vs Missy was exactly what I went through when I was deciding who to vote for in round two.