Sunday, July 19, 2009

Gods/Goddesses - Round 1

Last week was quite an exciting week around Coffee Cake. The competition for the Website/Blogs championship was fierce. I think this week may be even more intense. I've spent a lot of time in bars and one of the rules of every bar is, Never Talk Religion. Mix alcohol with a closely held belief and trouble is bound to happen. Well I'm hoping that people defend their god with all they've got. So let's look at the matches.

#1s vs #8s
Yahweh vs The Flying Spaghetti Monster -
If there is going to be a big upset in the first round, I think this is going to be it. Yahweh is the god of the Old Testament so he is the man to the Jews and the Christians see Yahweh as part of the holy trinity. Meaning, Yahweh has a very large fan base to draw votes from. The Flying Spaghetti Monster has got a growing cult of followers. Its religion is called Pastafarianism and the deity resembles spaghetti and meatballs. It's so crazy, it get's my vote.
Allah vs Money - I like this match-up. Cuz all of this war is very money oriented so you know Allah is walking around heaven right now pissed! I want Allah to kick Money's ass. Plus Money is such a lame ass thing to worship anyway. Sure it can buy me stuff but it ain't got no sweet special powers. Money can't create a whole universe. Allah, I'm with you on this one. There is a first round jihad against Money going down right here.
Jesus vs Baal - Man, Jesus was a cool cat. Who can argue with someone who is walking around saying, "Could y'all just be nice to each other? If you do, everything will work out. Watch." That's my kind of guy. He wasn't all uppity with his godliness. He hung out with regular guys. Women with bad reputations. Played with kids. Heck the guy changed water into wine so the party wouldn't stop at a wedding. I can dig it. Now poor Baal just got the short end of the stick. Baal was just the Canaanites sun and fertility god. Then in a brilliant use of marketing, or a dastardly smear campaign depending on what side you are on, Baal became known as Beelzebub which we all know as The Devil. I know you got shafted Baal but Jesus is just too cool man. My vote goes with Jesus on this one.
Buddha vs Satan - Any time I've seen a depiction of Buddha he's always smiling or at worse just looking really relaxed and content. So if his theories on life can do that for me, then by jove I'm bout it, bout it. On the other hand every time I see a depiction of Satan it either scares the shit out of me or he seems really sneaky. Neither work out so well for me. You ever read any stories where Satan get's referred to as "the gentleman"? Like people are scared to speak his name or to say how crazy things tend to go when he comes around. Like the way he's portrayed in The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy For The Devil". He just comes off as someone who's just misunderstood. That's scary to me! Here's this guy who comes off as nice. People speak VERY nicely of him but he has this reputation for making life hard for you. Sorry sir. I must put my support behind Buddha. I hope you understand that it is nothing personal.

#2s vs #7s
Kali vs Kokou -
If we could see these two duke it out in a ring together, this would truly be a great match to watch. Kali has quite a fan following here at Coffee Cake. I've heard a lot of people say they are pulling for her. She's best known as the goddess who will annihilate everything in her path. She is so much more than that but that's kind of a hard thing to over look. Like, fellas imagine you meet the girl of your dreams. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's good with kids. She's a great cook. She can change a tire faster than you. She has a great job and she's into sports. Perfect. But she's also killed 100 people. OOOOoooo...You know I just remembered I am supposed to be...doing something else. Basically you don't mess with that girl. Same with Kali. Don't tick her off. Now Kokou is the most powerful of the warrior gods in the religion Yoruba. My only problem with KoKou is that when he decides to enter your body in a religious ceremony he's so powerful and violent that most people who channel him end up hurting themselves. I fall down enough on my own. I don't need my god inflicting damage on me when he just stops in to say hi. My vote goes with Kali.
Thor vs Aizen-Myoo - Thor is another strong favorite to win here in this week's Tournament. As gods go, Thor is pretty cool. Big muscles. Carries around a hammer. Has a winged helmet. Can make it thunder. I wish I could make it thunder. I would use it to punctuate the end of sentences. I'd be all like, "Coffee Cake is the greatest website in the WORLD!" *BOOM* People would get tired of it but it would still be fun. Aizen-Myoo. First of all that is just a cool looking and sounding name. Second of all, he is the god of looooooove. Aw yeah. And even better than that he is worshiped by landlords, prostitutes, singers and musicians. No wonder I'm drawn to this guy. He's kind of a strange looking guy but he has the right to be that way he's a god. Aizen-Myoo gets my vote.
Zeus vs Toyo-Uke-Bime - Big daddy Zeus! God of the gods. When he wasn't busy setting his siblings free he was busy, well...getting laid. Zeus was screwing every woman he could get his hands on seemed like. That cat had a ton of kids. His child support payments must be why he was such a driven individual. I mean he must have been like, "Shiiiit this god stuff is nice but I've got almost 100 kids. I need a raise. I think I'll apply for that king of the gods position." Toyo-Uke-Bime is a Japanese goddess. Known as the princess of rich food, she is the goddess of Earth, food and agriculture. I just picture this goddess being the prettiest and sweetest woman I've ever seen. She would come up to me and touch me gently on my shoulder and smile and offer me an apple. But my vote goes to Zeus.
Venus vs Yamato - Venus. The goddess of love and beauty! ... and fertility. I'm not down with having kids. Nothing wrong with it. It's just not for me. Some people have kids; I collect records. But other than that I'm all about having a beautiful goddess who is going to hook me up with a hot chick. Yamato is the soul and spirit of Japan. And once again another Japanese god with a cool name. I imagine Yamato as a slender guy in a black trench coat and wearing sunglasses. In my mind he's a quiet guy. He always looks as if he's deep in thought and shouldn't be bothered but he has time for a smile, a point, and a head nod if you are walking past and say hi. That would be a really cool spirit of a country. I mean the spirit of the United States is a creepy looking old guy with gray hair who's always pointing at you and saying "I want you" and his name is Sam. You call him uncle. It's weird. My vote goes to Yamato.

#3s vs #6s
Isis vs Quatzequatel -
Isis is the woman! Of all of the female deities she is my favorite. She is the perfect woman. She was a dedicated wife. I mean she was so dedicated that she brought her husband back from the dead. He got killed a second time and she was going to bring him back to life again but she couldn't find all of his parts (ahem). So she built a monument in honor of the one missing part. Hell if I ever find a woman I just hope she's dedicated enough to me to claim me when we go out in public. Isis loved poor people and rich people. She was the perfect mother and she could do magic! Good goodness, what more can you ask for in a woman? Quatzequatel. Look at that damn name. You gotta give it up for him if for nothing more than the name. This cat is so bad ass that he has two Qs in his name. And as if that wasn't a show stopper all in itself he threw a Z in the mix too. Quatzequatel is a winged serpent. So he's like part bird, part snake and part man. Gotta give it up for originality. He gets my vote mostly based on having two Qs in his name but also because of my fascination with all things Mayan.
Mother Earth vs Dionysus - Mother Earth is my pick to win it all. It would do my heart so good to see good old Mother Earth getting some love after as bad as we have treated her. I'll admit we are doing better. We recycle. We are working on using solar and wind energy instead of relying on fossil fuels. We are starting to build electric cars. There is a lot more to do but at least we're doing something. Dionysus, I'd vote for you in a heartbeat if you were up against anyone else. Dionysus is the god of wine and drunken revelry! Heck yeah! Also known a Bacchus. Gotta love a god who just wants you to have a good time. But Mama Earth gets my vote.
Shiva vs Mithras - Shiva is one of the big daddy gods in Hindu. I really like Shiva because a lot of times Shiva is presented as dancing on the demon of ignorance. Dancing on the demon of ignorance! Heck yeah! Mithras there is something so suspect about you. You were secretly worshiped and there are no scriptures written down about you. And your story sounds a lot like Jesus...What? You were first? Oh! I didn't know that. Ok...well that's impressive but that's still not enough to stop me from voting for Shiva.
Ra vs Nayru - Another one of my favorite gods right here. Ra. Now as names go it's short and to the point. Ra sounds like "Don't fuck with me. I'm busy." Like Thor. One syllable and sounds powerful. Ra even shorter sounds like the noise you make when you want to scare somebody. He is the sun god and a sun god I can trust cuz there is a lot of sun in Egypt. He has the head of a falcon which is pretty cool. And being from Egypt you get all the cool stuff that comes with being an Egyptian god, like a staff and an ankh, your name in hieroglyphics and such. Now, Nayru. Nerds everywhere are laughing to themselves right now over this match up cuz I put in a little - nudge nudge wink wink- to the gamers with Nayru. Nayru is the goddess of wisdom in the Legend of Zelda games. Her and her two sisters are the most powerful and important characters in the game. Ra gets my vote.

#4s vs #5s

Athena vs Pan - Athena was the warriors' goddess. She was pretty much the goddess of Athens but she was know as the goddess of warfare, strength, and strategy amongst other things. Hell, her followers built the Parthenon in her honor so she must have been something special. Pan is the god of the fields and the forests. Pan is another one of those gods known for getting laid. Greek gods get it the hell on. Now a days gods are all pure and kinda boring in the sex department. Plus Pan has a flute named after him. I'm voting for Pan.

Osiris vs Apollo - I like both of these gods. I have a tattoo of a mummified Osiris on my left shoulder. And in my mind when I think of Apollo I always think of him as Carl Weathers. I know it's ridiculous but that's how my head works. But like I said, I have a tattoo on Osiris so he gets my vote.

Coyote vs Ganesha - Two more of my favorites right here. Amongst the Native Americans Coyote is the trickster god. He is going to put you through some messed up stuff but there is point and a purpose. It may damn near kill you and everyone around you if you get caught up in a Coyote tale but if you could distance yourself from it, it's funny stuff. Then on the complete opposite end of the spectrum there is the loved by everyone deity, Ganesha. Ganesha is known as the remover of obstacles. But his most interesting attribute? He has the head of an elephant. If I have to pick between these two I have to go with Coyote. While I can find Coyote's stories sometimes a bit scary, I have to say that my twisted sense of humor finds them also very entertaining.

Poseidon vs Anubis - Poseidon is Zeus's brother and in general kinda pissed off all of the time cuz he got the raw end of the deal when his brothers started splitting up the Earth. He got water. He's easily agitated so you better keep him calm. You don't want him to stir up a storm and wipe out your land. I love Anubis. He's got the head of a dog. A Jackal really. He's the god of the afterlife. I imagine Anubis is very quiet. Not much for words but when he does speak it is probably stern in a quiet sort of way. You know he means business. Anubis gets my vote.

And there's round 1.

It looks like we will be replacing Porn Stars with Cereal. That should be lots of fun.

See you tomorrow for Round 2.



  1. match-ups to watch: Coyote vs. Ganesha and Osiris vs. Apollo.
    Two great pair-offs for the first round!
    I really want to see Coyote move forward and use some of that trickster medicine to fuck with Zeus.
    My other favorite: Quetzalcoatl (the king of all lightning dieties)
    Where's Odin? Of all the gods, he could totally have given Zeus a run for his money in the "knocking up mortals" department.

  2. I'm so disappointed that Allah is seriously losing to money right now. And really?? Flying Spaghetti Monster over the God of Abraham?? Seriously people??

    Quezacotl needs more votes. On the day the Mayan calendar proclaimed he would come back, the Spanish landed in central/south America and proceeded to fuck everyone's shit up. For that reason alone, he gets my vote.

    I'd really like to see a matchup happen in here somewhere with Kali Vs. Shiva because we all know who wins that match. Shiva is THE ultimo-badass of the Hindu faith, and Kali slew him. Ultimate grudge match if they somehow ended up facing off.

  3. Yeah, I'm kinda embarrassed by Money having such a large lead on Allah. But what can you do? I guess I'll just sit back and wonder what this says for our readers.

  4. Alright,

    So the match to watch here is going to be Coyote Vs Ganesha. This is an awesome match-up, where you have the ever buffoon-ish and mischievous Coyote heading up against a very benign Ganesha. As of this reading at 0920 hrs, Ganesha is in the lead by ten votes.

    I dont want to get a little too competitive here in the very beginning, but come on, how can you vote out the only god of mischief on the first round?!

    Coyote better make it. I'm just saying.

  5. How likely is it that I can get a Mother Earth vs Coyote match up in the final?


  6. Mother Earth and Coyote, FTF!! (for the final)

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