Sunday, August 9, 2009

Fast Food Joints - Round 1

Whoa hey hey hey. Welcome to another week of Coffee Cake. This week we will be discussing the finer tastings of Fast Food Joints. Yeah, when you're being bad on that diet, whadda'you do? Mikey D's? KFC? When you are trying to get from one business meeting to the next where do you go? Jack In The Box? Taco Bell? When it's late night and you want something quick, where do you go? In-N-Out? Sonic? We are going to figure out the best of the best this week.

Let's talk about the matches.
#1 vs #8
McDonald's vs Whataburger -
A couple of weeks ago I was going somewhere with Aaron and Amanda and Amanda pointed out to me that I have no game with the ladies. She said my line, "Baby, your daddy must have been a cheeseburger cuz I could nom on you all night long," would be ineffective. Aaron completely didn't understand the line. He said, "What is a 'nom'?" I said, "That's the sound you make when you're eating a sandwich." He then told me that he didn't make that sound and it would have made more sense to him if I had said, "Your daddy must have been a cheeseburger cuz I could robble robble on you all night."
I fell out. Amanda didn't get it. It made both Aaron and me feel old. My point in all of this is that McDonalds reminds me of being a kid. I rarely eat there any more but it's comforting to know that it's around. My only experience with Whataburger is from my freshmen year of college. I was really hungry and I went in one with a group of friends. I ordered a chicken sandwich. The place looked like a barn with really long pic-nic tables in it. It was interesting. But my vote goes to McDonald's.

KFC vs Krystal's - I eat at Krystal's a lot. More than I'd like to admit. It's right around the corner from my house. I always order the Krystal Chiks. I recently found out that their chili is meatless so I can also eat that (I don't eat beef or pork). I wish there was a KFC downtown. I'd eat there more. My Twitter picture is a picture of me on a KFC bucket. KFC gets the vote.

Burger King vs Waffle House - I'm not gonna lie. The new Burger King commercials are really creepy to me. But I really like their fish sammich and the original chicken sammich. And they have a really good breakfast. Now Waffle House is just like Krystal's for me. I eat there all the time. It's right around the corner from my house and it's open 24 hours. I tend to find myself hungry in the middle of the night a lot. But I'm giving a vote to Burger King. Just keep that creepy King character away from me.

Taco Bell vs A Hot Dog Cart - While I was in Savannah I saw an old Taco Bell sign. I was mad excited. I love old signs. Like, give me a Big Boy on the side of the road. Or one of the old Holiday Inn signs with the lights. So when I saw that damn Taco Bell sign my insides did a little happy nostalgic flip. I really like their 7 layer burrito. You know Taco Bell is very vegetarian friendly? You can order most of the stuff minus the beef and replace it with beans. It's great. We don't have a lot of carts on the streets here in Macon like they do in big cities. People who live in pedestrian heavy cities know that the fastest food you can get is from a cart and a lot of it is really good. Folks refer to it as street meat. It may be good and quick but I gotta go with Taco Bell.

#2 vs #7
Pizza Hut vs A&W -
When I was a kid pizza at my house meant Little Caesar's. We rarely ate pizza from anywhere else. I always wanted Pizza Hut. I thought it was the best pizza in the world. Now it may have been because I had so rarely had it but you know...kid logic. I CRAVED Pizza Hut and never had it. Many year's later I move to Macon and Pizza Hut is my go to for delivery. I am making up for all those years of never having it. Now A&W used to be my SHIT when I was in high school! Me and my friend Joe Martin would go to A&W and eat burgers and drink root beer. The root beer would come in a cold frosty mug. I was delicious. At the time I didn't even like root beer but I drank it and loved it at A&W. Looking back I think the reason we went to that place so much was because this girl named Alia worked there. And I am sure those visits to A&W are the reason why I am addicted to Root Beer and Cream Soda now. Not too long ago Amanda got on to me for singing "She thinks my root beer's sexy." while standing in line in a Chick-fil-A. She told me I was being weird. My vote goes to Pizza Hut.

Subway vs Hungry Howie's - I had Subway yesterday while I sat in the park and drank a bottle of wine and listened to Jason Isbell (formerly of The Drive By Truckers) play a nice little acoustic set. It was just a veggie sub but boy did it hit the spot. Now. Hungry Howie's. If I craved Pizza Hut, let me tell you, I never knew what I was missing until the day I had Hungry Howie's pizza. I ended up eating it cuz I was really hungry one day and couldn't leave the house for some reason. They were the only pizza place that delivered in my area. The pizza was fantastic. They had these buttery flavored crusts. Oh my god. I've had Hungry Howie's maybe 3 times in my life but I can still taste that pizza. My vote goes to Hungry Howie's.

Arby's vs Cheeburger Cheeburger - Since I don't eat beef I can't remember the last time I ate at Arby's. It's been years but I do know it was good. I seem to remember something about Arby's sauce. I've never been to Cheeburger Cheeburger but I love that fuckin' name! How simple is that? Imagine this conversation.
"I wonder what that place sells."
"I bet they sell cheeseburgers. And my guess is the owner has a speech impediment."
See how that works? That's effective marketing. My vote goes to Cheeburger Cheeburger.

Popeye's vs Hot Dog On A Stick - My friend DJ Tagg in Arizona loves Popeye's. He could be a one man promoter for the company. I have to admit, the chicken, biscuits, and red beans and rice are mighty tasty. Hot Dog On A Stick is just so cute. Look at their cute little website. Look at that cute little logo. The idea of making a whole company out of a hot dog on a stick is just cute. But even with all that cuteness, I've got to go with Popeye's.

#3s vs #6
Checkers vs Del Taco -
In Michigan Checkers were called Rally's. They have the best fries!! Man I'll mess around and damn near bite a finger off eating their fries. When I lived in Tallahassee I swear the only thing that sold food after 9pm was a Rally's way on the opposite side of campus. Now, I love their double fish sandwich. One night I stopped at Checkers on the way to a DJ gig. I ate my fries but stuck the sandwich in my cord bag so I could eat it after I got set up. Well I forgot about it. A month went by before my next gig. That fish sandwich was still in there. It was the most horrible smell my nose has ever had to experience. It smell like ammonia and hell. I was pissed cuz my bag was funky and I didn't get to eat my sandwich. I've never been to a Del Taco. Never even seen one. But people in Macon love Del Taco. There aren't any here anymore but I swear everyone wishes they'd come back. Since I missed the glory days of Del Taco in Macon, my vote goes to Checkers.

White Castle vs Little Caesar's -
This match hurts my soul. Both of these bring back fond childhood memories. My dad used to eat the hell out of some White Castles. Now I live in Macon and there are no White Castles here. Hell we just got Little Caesar's in the last year. As you've already heard me say, Little Caesar's is what pizza tastes like to me. I love it. LC gets my vote.

Jack In The Box vs Captain D's - When I first got to Georgia I think I ate at Captain D's about 3 times a week. It was insane. I loved it! Fried fish!! The food was good but honestly I kept going back because there was this smoking hot girl working there. I've never been to a Jack In The Box but I LOVE the commercials. There is something about that mascot that just cracks me up. It's creepy and yet funny at the same time. Just like a toy Jack in the box.
Jack In The Box gets my vote.

Long John Silver's vs Moe's -
I've only eaten at Long John Silver's a couple of times. It was good, I just never seem to end up at one. I first had Moe's in Atlanta. My friend Kevin took me to one. I ordered a burrito called The Homewrecker. We come back home and I sit down and start playing video games. I had the worst gas. There just seemed to be no end to it. Kevin is walking around the kitchen like a mad man. He's looking for something. Finally he comes and sits down next to me and starts playing the game too. I fart again. Quiet but potent, if you get my drift. Kevin looks over at me and say, "Did you just fart?" I said yeah. He jumps up and loses his shit. "THAT WAS YOU ALL THIS TIME? Man I thought someone had left some meat out or something. I was trying to figure out where that smell was coming from." My vote goes to Moe's for having well named their dishes.


  1. I think this category is one that could cause some controversy in that some people have not been to all of the places. So, while we may get into a fight over whether Arby's is better than Cheeburger,Cheeburger (they're not), some of the voting is just because we haven't all eaten at every restaurant.

    This round:
    5 Guys doesn't have a big lead over Fatburger, so if the Fatburger fans get in there, it could leap ahead. I'm still going to say Five Guys for the win.

    Popeyes over Hot Dog on a Stick - As I learned at Bragg Jam, meat on a stick just doesn't work for me.

    I picked Long John Silver's over Moe's. I know they have those great salsa, but you KNOW you love the crackle (note the word crack in it) from the fried fish. Vote Long John Silver's.

    I also picked a Hot Dog Cart over Taco Bell. I know Taco Bell can be good, especially if you go to the one right by the highway on Eisenhower, but have you ever gotten a hot dog from a cart? Yummo! I'm pretty sure Taco Bell is going to win, though.

    Hardee's is goingto beat Tim Horton, it appears, but I'm still rooting for Tim Horton. Why, oh why, do I like underdogs?

    Cheeburger, Cheeburger, though simple, is vastly superior to Arby's. You Arby's voters are fools! Fools I tell you!

    Mmmmmm, Jack in the Box.... I'm hungry right now. I love Captain D's, better than Long John Silvers (their tartar sause has crack in it), but not better than Jack in the Box.

    I think Waffle House over Burger King is the way that matchup should go. Burger King makes me want to vomit... and though it is possible that I might possibly have vomitted in a Waffle House, it was not because of the food. (If I did such a thing, thank goodness only a few people might have been around to see it). Hmmm, that just grossed me out, but not as much as Burger King. Go Waffle House!

    Chik-Fil-A over Dairy Queen. I want to dock points to Chik-Fil-A for being closed on Sundays when I want them most, but then I remember how good the chicken sandwich is and I cave. Also, their shakes are Delish! Maybe not to the capabilities of Dairy Queen, but good enough to satisfy that soft serve itch.

    Never eaten at a Hungry Howie's (and also Howie reminds me of the guy that walks around downtown trying to get me to invest in some business scheme) so I picked Subway.

    White Castle over Little Ceasars - I like those nasty $5 pizzas just as much as the next person, and I'm not a big fan of Krystals, but for some reason, I still love White Castle.

    And thus why I would pick KFC over Krystals even though we are all pretty sure that there is no chicken coming out of that joint anymore.

    I also miss In-N-Out Burger. It beats Sonic anyday, and I think it has a chance to win it's matchup as soon as the California voters wake the hell up.

    I pick Pizza Hut over A&W mainly because I went to an A&W once and they DID NOT HAVE A&W CREAM SODA. A&W fail.

    Checkers will beat Del Taco. If you want greasy, big portioned food for a small price, with some pretty decent fries, you should vote for Checkers over Del Taco.

    I picked McDonalds over Whataburger, mainly because I've never had Whataburger. I'm pretty sure Whataburger is better (how can it not be?), but this is what I have to do. I will change my vote if someone with a convincing argument gave me a reason to.

  2. Don't get me started on the creepy Burger King King. Also, robble robble (hahahahahahahaha!)

  3. You know...we haven't heard much out of DQ lately. You still out there DQ?

  4. hell yeah DQ is still out there. I used to hit up the one on North Ave in Atlanta all the time after I got out of class at GSU. cleanest, friendliest fast food joint I've ever been in. their burgers actually were legit flame broiled, I remember seeing those Indian kids (why do Indian families always own Dairy Queen?) flipping those patties and making my blizzard.

    and speaking of Blizzards, that's exactly why DQ gets the vote. it's not an ice cream, it's not a blended shake, it's a frozen treat. you can hold it upside down and nothing falls out! in fact, they make the employees do that to show you how intense what you're about to consume is! no other restaurant in the world does that with your food immediately before serving it. can you imagine going to get thai food or a nice steak and your server comes out, flips your plate upside down, and dumps your $35 filet in your lap? you'd be pissed! but at DQ, you laugh and you clap like the special child it knows lives inside your soul.

    I know we're in Macon, and DQ over Chick-Fil-A is a hard sell, but that's my argument.

    No disrespect to the In-and-Out burger, but I've got to go with Sonic, which has a very slim lead right now. the reason being that Sonic is all over the place, and In & Out is pretty regional. I've never once had an In & Out burger. But you know what I have had? Countless extra long chili cheese coneys, sonic burgers, tater tots (with and without cheese), jalapeno cheddar poppers, and don't even get me started on the drinks. shakes, malts, slushes, cream slushes, floats, and the cherry limeades? I mean, isn't that one of their marketing points is that they have like a billion different possible drink combinations? That takes balls to market a fast food place like that. "hey, our food's pretty mediocre, but we've got a shitload of crazy stuff for you to drink, man! come on down to sonic!"

    and one more... how the hell is white castle tied with little caesar?! I mean, sure little caesar's has those $5 pizzas and all, but did anybody ever make a movie about their stuff?? No. No they didn't.

    and that's all I have to say about that.

  5. Hey guys. Does this mean I have to vote for Dairy Queen? Looks like McDonalds is running it close. I hope they lose since I had a bad experience with them today at lunch. Minimum wage went up so instead of laying workers off, they increased prices. I'm sure they aren't the only place on this list that has done the same. Plus, I had a worker try to sell me half of a third pounder....I like math, but not when it comes to fast food. Whataburger for the win.