Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Zoo Animals - Round 2 (The Sweet Sixteen)

Sorry about the lack of commentary on yesterday's post but I think the word whippin' I received for leaving out the three toed sloth was worth the price of admission.

Let's look at todays match ups

Lions vs Polar Bears: I know what you're thinking. "He's going to vote for the lions." Quit acting like you know me. YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! I'm voting for Polar Bears. You ever seen a Mama Polar Bear with a cute little bear cub? It's sooooo cute! How can you vote against that? And not to lose all of my manhood on my blog, Polar bears are still big and strong and in the wrong situation will make you shit you pants upon sight.

Pandas vs Hippos: Pandas you sure are cute but Hippos sure do rock the spot! HIPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!

Monkeys vs Seals: Come on let's face it Monkeys smell bad. I know I don't smell like a rose most days but I sure as hell don't smell like a monkey. Seals spend a lot of time in the water so they can't smell bad. Plus seals do stuff like this.

Zebras vs Koalas: Wow this is a tough one. Mitch Hedberg said all that needs to be said about Koalas. But zebras are making some important social commentary on the way we need to live in America. Those zebras know what's up. I'm voting Zebra.

Penguins vs Gorillas: A gorilla will fuck you up and then sit down scratch itself and chew on a stick like nothing happened. The look on its face is like it didn't even remember something happened. "OH MY GOD!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ROGER?!" ... "Who?" Yeah fuck that. I'm voting for Penguins.

Tigers vs Llamas: Llamas do something that I find really endearing. If you shave the hair off a llama's chest they become embarrassed and will go hide until they feel comfortable with being seen again. That makes me go awwww. I want to vote for the llamas but the guy in me is warning me that I've already voted against the lions so I better vote for the big cat. Tigers get the vote.

Giraffes vs Kangaroos: Giraffes are tall. I'm tall. I'm voting Giraffes. One thing I don't get about nature. Why would nature make it so hard for the giraffe to drink water. That's mean of you nature.

Elephants vs Otters: Elephants. I love them. They are nature's tanks. And if you ever watch a documentary on elephants you will see that they are very caring animals. I love that. They have trunks that can be used as a trumpet. Elephants are great but otters are so much fun to watch swim around!. Elephants you have to watch for months on end and then all of a sudden you have a eureka moment. That's not quite feasible for zoo watching. Otters are instant gratification. My vote goes to the otters.

See you tomorrow!
Rogie Dodgie
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  1. I love elephants. They are my favourite animals. "Elephants" also includes Wooly Mammoths, which Snuffaluffagus is also. I have an elephant shrine, mainly because I don't have enough space in my apartment to spread them around so it seems like a have a randomly large collection of elephants. I bought 2 of them myself. Yay Elephants! Otters are just sneaky. Don't vote for them. They steal your food and then laugh at you. Sometimes, they splash you when you're watching them. Plus, elephants don't make a sound when they cross the street and once they walk into the bush, you can't see them. Elephants are MUCH cooler than Otters.

    I'm tall. Giraffes are tall. Go Giraffes! Plus, they way they eat is pretty fucked up. I can watch that all day. Also, they are pretty cute and they have the same number of bones in their neck as we do. That's pretty amazing, considering the length difference. Kangaroo babies look like worms and then they live in a pouch for weeks and weeks. Also, kangaroos have huge middle toes that could slice you in half. Plus I always hated Hippety Hopper and I thought it was stupid that Sylvester would think it was a big mouse...

    Tigers. Those effers are awesome. Llamas are really just selfish people with a spell put on them.

    Penguins always come dressed for the party. They're classy. Gorillas are scary and could really mess you up! It really means I should pick Gorillas because I like things that can mess you up, but I'm picking cute over scary today.

    Zebras are pretty when they're grouped together and one of my favourite days in Africa was sitting out on a savannah watching a large herd of zebra (zeh-bra) grazing and other animals moving through. This memory is also why I'm picking monkeys over seals. I almost chose koalas because they ARE the cutest infestation ever, but zebras win.

    Hippos are dangerous. It's not MY personal vendetta against the hippo! (also, I missed my chance to riot on facebook because I had a long meeting at my new job, which I LOVE!!) It is a vendetta ALL PEOPLE should have. hippos take lives, not because they are cognizant that no one is trying to mess with them. No, they take lives like gang members in South Central, because you stepped on my sidewalk. Dumb asses! Also, hippos only warn you once, but they do this by opening their mouths and not making a sound. Does that sound like a warning to you? Then they send 2 tons of water loving land dwelling body towards you knowing they will be crushing your head in 2.2 seconds. And they stare at you in anger if you're anywhere near their territory. Also, they are THE MOST DANGEROUS ANIMAL IN AFRICA. Say no to the hippo!!! Vote pandas, if for no other reason than the baby panda sneeze video... how funny AND cute!

    Lions play a part in the scariest thing that ever happened to me. Despite being more like hyenas than hunters, I still have respect for the king of the jungle because he could rip out your innards without even blinking. You think that Gorilla was bad... Polar Bears are cute, but they lost me when I realized they weren't actually white. If you can't blend in with the snow with your eyes closed, like in cartoons, you're dead to me!

    So those are my votes. I predict that hippos will pass through, despite my warning. Don't make me have to call in Southern Africa on this. They know what's up.

  2. This bracket and the results of the first round depress me more than the comments at Macon.com.

    How do otters beat chimpanzees? What's wrong with you all?!

    Otters look like a beaver's been fucking a leach. Like a bucktooth, furry salamander.

    Shit ain't cute. They're creepy. Chimps, however, are us just smarter and hairier. King Louis from the Jungle Book... well, he was an orangutan, but still. Point is, chimps are cool and otters are not. It's not an upset; it's just wrong.

    If elephants don't win, I'm going to flip out.

  3. when was the last time you saw an otter throw poo???? poop throwing = not getting the vote.

  4. You elephant hating sons of bitches! On the other hand, panda totally kicked hippo's ass! Koalas are still the cutest infestation ever because they pulled out the win over zebras and polar bear won? Awww, C'mon! either pick cute or pick ferocious or else we're going to see Koalas vs. Polar Bears in the finals and we won't know whether to vote for cute or vote because that polar bear would totally kill that koala... I hope you see the slippery slope.

  5. I'm pulling for elephants to win it all, though I could see penguins as the clear favorite since they've had March of the Penguins, Happy Feet, and Madagascar out as propaganda. Not to mention the cute little penguin dance in Mary Poppins.

  6. ...let's also not forget surf's up, the pebble and the penguin, and the children's show 321 penguins. plus, the boys hatch the babies... I'm all for that.

  7. lots of carebear voting going on, penguins over gorillas!!! wow- much rather watch a gorilla pick his nose than a penguin haha- and the King, the lion is already out! what an upset

  8. carebear? penguins live in one of the most grueling climatess in... y'know the whole world. And some even die of starvation trying to find food for the babies. Penguins stay with the same mate for life. Gorillas might be more like us, but how many people do you know that you actually like? Vote goes to penguin because a gorilla with club you in the head and play with your corpse, penguins will starve for you. lol.