Humanitarians/Activists - Round 1

Our buddy Nat said it best. It's almost unfair when we do more serious tournaments. I agree I get to cut loose when I don't have to worry about stepping on anyone's toes. And to be honest we are all still learning how this website works. This is our 11th tournament. So we have only been doing these for two and a half months.
I know, crazy right? Seems like so much longer. And as much as I love to get silly, sometimes I admit I use this to throw light on things that I love and this is one of those tournaments. This was really supposed to come after a Porn Stars tournament. I was going to use Humanitarians as a way of redeeming myself for being so nasty. However, once the number of readers started growing, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So we did cereal instead, which turned out to be much more fun than Porn Stars could have ever been.

So how to handle Humanitarians and Activists. I think it's funny that most of the people on this list are there for their non-violence stance so it would be funny if they actually came to fisticuffs. I am gonna do a little bit of "What if they did really fight." And I'm also gonna shed some light on the great work they've done.

Ready? Let's do it.

Martin Luther King vs Angelina Jolie - What would it take for Dr. King to get mad enough to punch Angelina Jolie in the face? What if she tried to do a hostile takeover on one of his children. 'I'M ADOPTING YOUR KIDS AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT DR. KING!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!" Yeah I bet he'd go fucking nuts on her then. Don't mess with a man's family. And I bet Dr. King would be the type of fighter who would talk while he whooped your ass. Imagine getting a speech on why what you are doing is wrong in Dr. King's voice while getting beat down. Bet you won't do that again. Really though, we all know what Dr. King has done but did you know that Angelina Jolie is a United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Goodwill Ambassador? We make fun of her super baby adopting abilities but she is out there making a difference in the world. Keep on girl. Do ya thing.

Mother Teresa vs Al Gore - Al Gore would be all cocky like, "I'ma beat this old lady's ass. Where's my agent? Can't you all set me up some better fights?" Then he'd punch her a couple of times and be all confident that the match is in the bag when all of a sudden she'd start glowing. That's right. Mama T is a saint! She's got the power of the heavenly hosts backing her up. Boom. Al didn't know what hit him. They'd be picking him up off the mat and waving the smelling salts in front of his face. He'd be coming to saying shit like, "I bet y'all didn't know you could change the language on Facebook to English (Pirate) did you? I created that. In fact I created Facebook... And Twitter." On the real though, since Al Gore has gotten out of office he has been active on environmental issues and is doing what he can to promote clean, renewable energy.

Mahatma Gandhi vs Audrey Hepburn - I actually think that Audrey Hepburn would beat Gandhi in a fight. I can just imagine Audrey Hepburn spazzing out and flailing all her limbs, kicking and hitting Gandhi with her purse. I see Gandhi just laying down and curling up in the fetal position. Then Hepburn would say, "Take that daaahling." And then she'd light a cigarette. That doesn't mean I'm voting for Audrey Hepburn. That'd just be ridiculous. I do have to give it up for Hepburn though because she was a Goodwill Ambassador for UNICEF, helping put in place programs in countries all over the world that would make better living conditions for children.

Susan B. Anthony vs Bill and Melinda Gates -I don't imagine Bill and Melinda Gates can fight. Susan B. Anthony came up in an era when people just had to be a bit tougher than we are today just to survive. I mean look at her. That woman can beat my ass. I'm sure she could put an ass whooping on some geek and his wife. Well...that is until Bill Gates reaches into his utility belt and pulls out some great fighting gadgets that renders Suzie B. unconscious. Think about it, Bill Gates has got to have the world's greatest gadgets. And you know he can't fight! Of course he's gonna have some gadgets for self defense. But all that aside, I'm voting for Susan B. Anthony. However, if you don't know about the great work the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is doing, you need to take a look.

Nelson Mandela vs Jane Goodall - In a physical match up this just doesn't seem fair at all. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison under horrible conditions. That makes you tough. Jane Goodall spent her time in the jungle charming animals. That makes you...something. I don't really think it makes you tough. In a fist fight my money is definitely on Mandela. And my vote in this match goes to Mandela. That he spent 27 years in prison on some trumped up political charges and came out still as driven and compassionate as he did is a testament to the will of humankind. That is spirit everyone of us could use a daily does of. Now don't get me wrong Jane Goodall does some great work in the way of animal rights. Really what better spokesperson for animal rights can you have than her. And her Roots and Shoots organization is a beautiful group that gets children involved in making the world a better place. But I am sorry my friend. Mandel gets my vote on this one.

Jimmy Carter vs Eleanor Roosevelt - I think this match would come to a draw in a physical fight. I have just never viewed Jimmy Carter as a fighter and Eleanor Roosevelt just doesn't seem like the type to throw a punch. I think these two would play the dozens. "Jimmy, you are so country, your school fight song was Dueling Banjos."
"Eleanor, you so ugly when we played peek-a-boo first you peeked and then I boooed. I could talk about yer ugly ass all night."
"Well, there is no end to the country I have lined up for your backside."
It could go on for days.
But on the real these two people should be put in the Humanitarian Hall of Fame. Eleanor Roosevelt could have just sat back and lived the social life of a politician's wife but she got out there and worked with the Women's Trade Union League and was instrumental in helping them raise funds for the abolition of child labor,. SHe helped them get a set minimum wage. Once she got in the White House she was very out spoken on civil rights and even set up a concert on the step of The Lincoln Memorial for Marian Anderson when she was denied the opportunity to sing at Constitution Hall. Jimmy Carter's work with Habitat for Humanity speaks for itself. Think about not having a place to live. Then think about the pride that comes with owning a home and even more so the pride you get from saying, "I built this muthafucka with my bare hands." That's not just putting a person in a home, that's making them a better person. My vote goes to Jimmy Carter because he's a Georgia boy but I think both of these people are phenomenal individuals.

The Dalai Lama vs Oprah Winfrey - This could be an interesting fight right off hand I would say Oprah would kick the Dalai Lama's butt. She grew up poor and now lives in Chicago. That sounds like a tough woman to me. But I can see the Dalai Lama very gracefully shifting to s kung-fu stance and with very little effort having her down on the ground and immobilized without actually hurting her. Then he would smile, bow and thank her for her time. That's the kind of guy he is. He'd say, "Thank you for letting me whoop your ass," and then he'd go on about climbing a mountain so he could meditate on top. The Dalai Lama has been promoting peace and unity and coming together like no other. There has been a lot of controversy around him but there is no doubt that this man would rather see you smile that see you in pain so he teaches a doctrine that would put more people at ease. Gotta love it. We know Oprah is one of the most generous people on this planet. And with the power she holds...whoa that's a good thing. Oprah's Angel Network and Free The Children program help to make the world a better place for children here at home and abroad through building schools and educational programs, making sure the children have clean clothes and drinking water. Right on Oprah. You get my vote.

Norman Borlaug vs Dave Eggers - Dave Eggers is kind of a tough looking guy. He's not what you would expect from a writer. My first instinct is to say that someone with a name like Borlaug would make mayonnaise out of a write named eggers but I actually think Eggers may do the whipping here. (How many people got that joke?) Man, Norman Borlaug is the man. He has won the Nobel Peace Prize, The Presidential Medal of Freedom and The Congressional Gold Medal. That guy was putting in some work to do all of that. I haven't even won a pat on the back lately. His research into making sure there is enough food for everybody on Mother Earth is what gained him all of these accolades. Dave Eggers created my favorite organization. 826. 826 is a writing group for children that teaches them good solid writing skills and gets them published at a young age. Talk about building confidence in kids! One of the coolest parts of 826 is the buildings they hold the work shops in. The 826 in my home state of Michigan is headed up by the wonderful Amanda Uhle. The store front says "Robot Supply Company". You go in and there is all of these robot parts hanging on the walls. Then you hit the hidden door and BOOM you're in the room where the workshop takes place! Why wasn't there something like this for me when I was little? Some of the other places are Monster supply, Pirate supply. It's great. Dave Eggers gets my vote.