Cereal - Round 2 (The Sweet Sixteen)

Well, I think you people really dislike me sometimes. Hey. How you doin'? I'm Roger Riddle I thought we'd met before. In fact I thought we were friends but I can tell by the fact that you assholes voted for Kix over Wheaties that we are not. Fine.
Be that way.
When you see me out in public and I turn my head and ignore you don't say nothing.
The worst part of it is my girl Priscilla from The Fabulous SoChi Life was the ring leader in this whole Kix over Wheaties thing. And to think I went out last night to Lemongrass to hang out with her and Terrell Sandefur last night at the unveiling of their signature drinks. Won't make that mistake again. Well, I will go back and drink your drinks. I'm not gonna hold what you did to me against the drinks, Priscilla.

Let's get down to business.

Corn Flakes vs Apple Jacks - Last night a debate broke out around the drinking table as Billy Dale Raye Hamlin, Jr. tried to defend the virtues of Apple Jacks to Amanda. She wasn't having it. (She and Kara also tried to tell me that I was wrong for having two hot cereals in this tournament. Jokes on you guys! I put them there just cuz I knew it would get under Amanda's skin! SO HA!! Take that! Suckas.) The whole point is that Billy would have Apple Jacks win this match. Ain't no way. Corn Flakes was one of the adult cereals that as a kid you didn't mind eating. They are simple and good. No gimmick needed. Give me a bowl and some milk and a glass of OJ and let me get down to business. I don't even know what the fuck an Apple Jack is. Sounds like something someone would use to mug you. "What happened?" ... "That fucka had an apple jack! He hit me with it and grabbed my wallet." The cereal doesn't taste like apples. How bout Cinnamon Circles? That makes more sense.

Rice Krispies vs Chex - There is a billboard on I-75 heading into Macon that says

$TRIPPER$
Need I Say More

Well, Snap Crackle and Pop...need I say more? For once I agree with Amanda on something. She said she loved Rice Krispies. You damn right. You know what I like about Chex? Chex Mix. I don't think I've ever had a bowl of Chex as a cereal. But now throw some peanuts and some melba toast in that shit and I will eat 3 or 4 bowls. I'd embarrass my date at the company Christmas party over some Chex mix. But Rice Krispies is the joint. Sorry Chex.

Frosted Flakes vs Cinnamon Toast Crunch - I'ma tell you the deal. Tony The Tiger is the best cereal Mascot. Cinnamon Toast Crunch can't get their mascots together. For a long time they didn't have one. Then they had 3 bakers. Then they fired two of the bakers and only had one. Now they are back to nothing I think. Pull your shit together Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Tony the Tiger is getting kids hyped up about going outside and playing. He is telling kids to earn their stripes!! I'm loving it. Especially after losing Wheaties in round one.

Raisin Bran vs Kix - Fuck Kix.

Cheerios vs Trix - How is it that the company's mascot can't ever get his hands on the product he is supposed to be endorsing? That doesn't make any sense to me. From these commercials all I can say is that I am not a rabbit. I am a kid. Trix are for me. Now that may work if I was a really dumb kid but the first question that pops into my mind is that the person who is selling me this product has never had them and therefore doesn't know if they taste any good. Nah. I'm not buying that. Give me those Cheerios. I've been eating them since I was two. I know I like those. You ever seen babies eating Cheerios? They are little Cheerios eating machines! Now that will sell me in a heartbeat on some cereal. Just show me a commercial of a baby going at it with some on the table in from of 'em. Plus Cheerios lower your blood pressure and your cholesterol. All types of positive stuff happens to your body when you eat Cheerios.

Fruity Pebbles vs Cocoa Puffs- Here is another mascot that does not make me want to buy the product. That bird has obviously lost his mind. He goes over the edge every time he gets even a spoonful of Cocoa Puffs. I don't know what is in those things but I sure as hell didn't plan on going crazy today. I'll pass. Now I will give it to you. Cocoa Puffs does make some really good cereal milk but in this match up, I think Fruity Pebbles makes the better cereal milk. Plus Fred and Barney are more entertaining mascots than a loony bird.

Cap'n Crunch vs Honey Bunches of Oats - As I typed that I felt a great disturbance in the force. It was like a million people suddenly gasped as they realized that they were no longer kids. Yes. The childhood sugar filled favorite vs the new now I'm grown up favorite. What are you gonna do? Bright packaging and great prizes. Sweet goodness and a sensible yet likable mascot vs lighty sweetened healthy yummy goodness!! And come on, you know you like their commercials. They always feature the people who work in their factory. What you gonna do people?

Froot Loops vs Corn Pops - I always seemed to have Froot Loops in my house. I loved this cereal. A good prize, a decent mascot, the cereal tasted good. It was my old stand by. It was to cereal what yuengling has become to me for beer. But corn pops are relatively new to me. I just recently started eating them. I had them as a kid but it was never high on my list to get. I think it was their lack of mascot. And see, their commercials were like the kids were having a nicotine fit. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FUCKING CORN POPS! I JUST WOKE UP AND YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET STARTED UNTIL I HAVE MY POPS!! GOTTA HAVE MY POPS!
See...no...that's not my style. Toucan Sam sang songs in the trees and flew around. Much more pleasant in the morning. Froot Loops for me please.